No Love In This Club

I think it's safe to say I'm officially over clubbing! No, really! Let's take a trip down Sable memory lane and rewind to my most recent club outting this past weekend. If you live anywhere on the East Coast, it's probably been raining almost everyday in your city for the past I don't know? FOREVER! Needless to say I had a long week and felt the need to brave the rain and go party. I called up one of my BFFs (who always seems to know where the party is) and lo and behold found a birthday party to go to. As if massive fatigue, uncooperative hair and car trouble weren't enough to signal I should stay home, I took a power nap, decided to pull my hair back up and cabbed it to the party anyway.

We arrived to the club (two plus hours later than we originally inteneded to get there) and there is a cover (DRAT). Thankfully the cover was reasonable and BFF's homegirl reserved a table with lots of bottles so we paid and went in. The music was good, likka was abundant and we're dancing, having a good time. Somewhere between dancing and getting elbowed one too many times...I start to get annoyed, really annoyed (like all the times I've been to a club as of late). I sat out for a bit and couldn't help but wonder why I came out in the first place? Am I simply getting older or are clubs just extra lame these days? While I do realize I am getting older and some (many) trivial things no longer excite me, let's acknowledge just how lame clubs are while I highlight some of my experiences/observations/turn offs of the night. AHEM!

1. DARKNESS- I know clubs are supposed to be dark but it was way too dark in there...like cave dark. What kind of freaks of nature are hiding out in this piece? So of course, any thoughts of meeting anyone new was out the window and flushed down the toilet. Not that you can't meet wonderful men and women at a club (on the 29th day of February when it's a full moon and the high temperature of the day was 95 degrees), but it's dark and people are usually drunk. How can you be sure of what you're getting? I'm sorry I like to meet sober people in natural lights and settings. Thank you!

2. COVER CHARGES/AND ASTRONOMICALLY PRICED DRINKS-I'll let this club slide this time because the cover charge was very reasonable. BUT why oh why should I stand on a long line and pay you $20-30 of my hard earned money to get into your club? AND THEN spend another $20-30 on your overpriced drinks? Still thinking? There's no good reason.

3. CROWDING- If there's anything I loathe (more than shower curtains) it's crowds! I crave personal space. I need it! So naturally being too close to sweaty strangers makes me uncomfortable, very uncomfortable! Which brings me to the next complaint...

4. SPILLED DRINKS/GUM- I almost managed to get splashed by at least one drink by some drunk ninja or betch who shouldn't be having any more drinks anyway. AND I was too through when I noticed a fresh wad of gum on the front of my adorable new dress. I was sober and would have noticed if someone deliberately placed it there which leads to believe it fell out of some creature's mouth (while they were probably too close to me and intoxicated) and landed on my dress. YUCK!

5. SERIAL TEXTERS-Dude it's late and you're in a club! What could be so important that you're typing away feverishly on your phone? Stop playing, we know you're trying to break your record on Brick Builder. LAME! You could have stayed home for that!

6. WACK PEOPLE OVERALL- By no means am I calling all people who go to clubs wack. After all, I frequent a club or two every blue moon and if you're lucky you may be able to meet some cool people there. BUT for the unlucky majority, clubs bring out the wackest of wack, not entirely but mostly MEN!

We have the wannabe flossers. I don't care if you're draped head to toe in Louis or you just dropped a G at the bar. You don't look fly, you look stupid! That's right. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! After all the loudest ones in the room are the weakest ones in the room. Stop trying to prove yourself to everybody since most people could care less!

Then we have the DL guys. I am by no means homophobic or have anything against homosexual people...male or female. I think they're great! BUT please aknowledge who and what you are. Don't come to the club and openly put your arms around your boys neck (repeatedly) and try to holla. You're gay, get over it!

Next we have the vertically challenged guys. When did our men start shrinking? I'm a short woman myself and kudos to the other short women who dig short men. BUT you have to be a certain height to ride this ride. I like to be able to look up to my man even with heels on. Am I wrong? I seriously think something is in the water these days because men are not growing past 5'5". What gives? Eat some vegetables and grow up, literally!

Last we have your can't take a hint, just straight up wacker than wack guys. My BFF had the pleasure of being courted by an extra special specimen who felt it was appropriate to tell her he just finished serving a seven year jail sentence a couple months ago within minutes of meeting. Don't be too hard on him, he claims it was a case of mistaken identity. RIGHT?! Kudos again to women who can date men who are in or have been to jail. Yes, I do believe people change. BUT not in this case...you're automatically not trustworthy in my eyes, PERIOD! I'm sorry if that makes me a horrible, judgemental person. Don't blame me, blame the the society we live in.

So I think Sable will just be saying NO to clubs and lounges (b/c lounges are also the new clubs) from now on. Call me if there is a great house party or any other intimate event going on where I can see people in natural light and not have to shout over loud music, pay a cover charge, or not get a drink or gum splattered on me or have to deal with anything suggestive of a club.